[09:01] wdalphin: Tut tut cheerio!
[09:01] jakothewoods: Good morrow old boy!
[09:01] wdalphin: well met!
[09:01] jakothewoods: I say old boy. How about that Boromir?
[09:02] wdalphin: Quite pasty, I must say.
[09:02] wdalphin: He could do with a dollop of sun, I believe!
[09:02] jakothewoods: And he could wash his hair once in a while, eh?
[09:02] wdalphin: Quite! It would seem he keeps his wounds cleaner than his hair.
[09:03] wdalphin: though I do not believe they have yet been able to invent a maggot that eats dandruff.
[09:03] jakothewoods: And good gracious old boy, what about all that latent homosexuality in his men? I say!
[09:03] wdalphin: uh
[09:03] wdalphin: what?
[09:03] jakothewoods: No, seriously old boy. The innuendo was THICK.
[09:04] wdalphin: oh innuendo
[09:04] wdalphin: if it had anything to do with the spoken word, I'm afraid I quite missed it, old chap.
[09:04] wdalphin: they were speaking far too much British for me to understand.
[09:05] jakothewoods: And dear me, I think Sir Simmerson could have used a throat lozenge, what?
[09:05] wdalphin: Sir Simmerson could have used a bloody kick to the head.
[09:06] jakothewoods: he was a bit daft, hey?
[09:06] wdalphin: Sir Simmerson followed the basic rule of moviedom: ugly people are wicked and dumb.
[09:06] jakothewoods: His sideburns made my wife cry.
[09:07] wdalphin: The movie did teach me one very important thing...
[09:07] jakothewoods: That the French wear grocery bags as hats?
[09:07] wdalphin: flogging a soldier increases his productivity.
[09:07] wdalphin: I dare say, the fastest firing soldier in the whole movie was the one who was beaten the most.
[09:08] wdalphin: and Sharpe insisted that the only thing a soldier learns from whipping is to turn his back... HAW!
[09:08] jakothewoods: ...and speaking of hats...
[09:08] wdalphin: we were?
[09:09] jakothewoods: WHAT was with Brian cox and his Fairy-hat?
[09:09] wdalphin: AHAHAHA
[09:09] wdalphin: I thought he was dressed up as a little, British schoolboy.
[09:09] wdalphin: Wasn't that his sailor outfit?
[09:09] jakothewoods: All he was lacking was a lolly.
[09:09] wdalphin: Obviously, he was deep undercover.
[09:10] wdalphin: Knowhadayemean? Knowhadayemean?
[09:10] wdalphin: Wink's as good as a nod!
[09:10] jakothewoods: I liked how near the beginning he excused himself at one point so he could "give his horse a wash. Come along Jeremiah." If that's not a eupemism, I don't know what is.
[09:11] jakothewoods: Steph said that Cox looked like Miss Muffet, btw.
[09:11] wdalphin: I've never seen Miss Muffet.
[09:11] wdalphin: But I'll take her word for it.
[09:12] wdalphin: You know, the American in the movie?
[09:12] wdalphin: He was Mad Mortigan's best friend in Willow.
[09:12] jakothewoods: Another good quote - "I find that a flogging brings on a spleen."
[09:12] jakothewoods: I hate it when a spleen is brought on. :p
[09:12] wdalphin: this calls for another bleeding!
[09:12] jakothewoods: I did not know that about Captain Leroy, btw.
[09:13] wdalphin: Slaves, cotton and molasses.
[09:13] wdalphin: hos, clothes, and candy
[09:13] jakothewoods: Yeah he a good guy or a bad guy, btw, old boy?
[09:13] jakothewoods: er, was.
[09:13] wdalphin: I thought he was a good guy.
[09:14] wdalphin: But also, not totally understanding of Sharpe's honor.
[09:14] jakothewoods: okay. I wasn't sure. He seemed ambivalent.
[09:14] wdalphin: If he was ambivalent, I don't think he'd have loaned Sharpe the coin to pay for the countess.
[09:14] jakothewoods: hey! Did you catch the boob shot in the inn at the beginning when Sharpe's Sergeant was rousting the company from the prostitutes? Steph caught that one and shouted "Boob shot!"
[09:15] wdalphin: Also, I liked his comment during the march... "quick time, sir. Riflery only knows quick time and dawdlin'."
[09:15] wdalphin: uh
[09:15] wdalphin: I saw it, but was not quite as engrossed by it as your wife, it seems.
[09:16] jakothewoods: She also commented on the quality of the bridge that they were supposed to hold. they kept saying "bridg, bridge" and we had this image in our heads of this stone bridge, maybe leading to, or just outside of, a town, but no - turns out the bridge is made of popsicle sticks.
[09:17] wdalphin: Yeah, that bridge was pretty weak. I was like, "dude, save the gunpowder, just go get a hammer and pull the nails out. No, really, you're spending as much time wiring up those explosives as you could be doing just yanking some nails out."
[09:17] jakothewoods: seriously. And why the hell was it there to begin with? It's not like that river wasn't FORDABLE.
[09:18] wdalphin: In fact, that whole river was weak. "Well, we've destroyed the bridge... now they're going to have to get their feet wet."
[09:18] jakothewoods: I mean sure, don't want to get your feet wet, but seriously, does anyone think that blowing up the bridge, or even pulling it down, is going to stop a determined commander?
[09:18] wdalphin: If they had played out the blowing up of the bridge as Sharpe going, "oh no! There's no way back now! We're pinned down!" I might very well have turned the bloody thing off.
[09:19] wdalphin: Well, you do have to consider that the armies were both run by ridiculous generals.
[09:19] wdalphin: "VE STOLE YOUR FLAG! BWAHAHA! WE WIN THE DAY!"
[09:19] jakothewoods: Yeah, one had sideburns from hell, and the other had a plastic bag on his head.
[09:19] wdalphin: Yes, congratulations, Frenchies... you took our flag.
[09:20] wdalphin: OH YEAH??? WELL WE'VE GOT YOUR EAGLE!
[09:20] wdalphin: Apparently, the rule of battle was "he that doth find, doth keep"
[09:20] wdalphin: "he that doth lose..."
[09:20] wdalphin: "...doth weep."
[09:21] jakothewoods: That sounds like a Jon Stewartism.
[09:21] wdalphin: Was he a famous British commander?
[09:21] wdalphin: oh, that Daily Show guy.
[09:21] jakothewoods: I say old boy! Keep up here!
[09:22] wdalphin: I was still in the past.
[09:22] wdalphin: Richard Sharpe was the Captain Kirk of his time, wasn't he?
[09:22] wdalphin: Fighting for ladies' honor
[09:22] wdalphin: Going out of his way to claim an eagle standard for a dead man
[09:23] wdalphin: And losing his shirt whenever he could
[09:23] jakothewoods: Oh, one last quote, btw - the young Lieuftenant, Barry I think his name was. "Naughty girls get spanked." How sleazy was HE?
[09:23] jakothewoods: or at least getting it unuttoned down to his waist.
[09:23] wdalphin: Well that's true though, isn't it?
[09:23] wdalphin: Naughty girls DO get spanked.
[09:23] wdalphin: Naughty boys get WHIPPED.
[09:23] wdalphin: So I think the naughty girls had it easier back then.
[09:23] jakothewoods: flogged even
[09:24] wdalphin: Yeah, but remember, flogging helps you fire four rounds a minute!
[09:24] jakothewoods: Did you notice the Star Wars presentation of the backstory at the beginning?
[09:24] wdalphin: I don't see how Sharpe could dispute the effectiveness of flogging after witnessing that.
[09:24] wdalphin: I... no.
[09:24] jakothewoods: you didn't???
[09:24] wdalphin: I was lost at the beginning.
[09:25] wdalphin: There were lots of cut scenes.
[09:25] jakothewoods: *sighs*
[09:25] jakothewoods: yeah, those were tawken from the previous movie. But there was a "story scrolling past" at the beginning, albeit slightly faster than Star Wars' stately pace.
[09:26] wdalphin: It was written in British.
[09:26] wdalphin: I couldn't read a damned word of it.
[09:26] wdalphin: Everything was curly
[09:27] wdalphin: There were far too many people to keep track of in that movie.
[09:27] wdalphin: I just wanted to focus on Sharpe and the Major.
[09:28] jakothewoods: fair enough. Got problems with those forn languages, hey?
[09:28] jakothewoods: You mean Cox?
[09:28] wdalphin: They kept throwing in these side characters
[09:28] wdalphin: Yeah, Brian Cox was the major.
[09:28] jakothewoods: The Spanish chick is important too. She's Sharpe's main love interest.
[09:28] wdalphin: Like Dobbs, the whipping boy with the 4 rounds a minute record.
[09:28] wdalphin: Yeah, and she just sorta comes and goes...
[09:29] wdalphin: "Great job, Dobbs! Well... bye."
[09:29] jakothewoods: oh, and Sharpe's Sergeant is a main character - Mallory or whatever his name was.
[09:29] wdalphin: Or that one guy who followed him when he went after the eagle and ended up getting stabbed. Who the hell was he, and why should we care?
[09:29] jakothewoods: It was tragic! 'aven't you got an eart, guv?
[09:30] wdalphin: I was also kind of disturbed that everybody was referring to the countess as "mom."
[09:30] jakothewoods: er, that's mum, doofus.
[09:30] wdalphin: same thing!
[09:31] jakothewoods: actually, back then it was short for ma'am.
[09:31] wdalphin: or maybe she was a mummy.
[09:31] wdalphin: and they were all hinting that they knew it.
[09:31] jakothewoods: that would have added something to the movie, I have to admit.
[09:32] wdalphin: You know, if I were a mummy, trying to pass myself off as a countess back during the French/British war... I would be terribly agitated if everybody kept calling me mum.
[09:32] wdalphin: I would have been like, "eEERRRR! CURSES!"
[09:32] wdalphin: I think there were some underlying themes of horror in the movie.
[09:32] wdalphin: like Sharpe's homonculus.
[09:33] jakothewoods: I... I beg your pardon?
[09:33] wdalphin: His homonculus!
[09:33] wdalphin: you know, it slit the baddy's throat during that one outting.
[09:33] wdalphin: Or stabbed him in the back, I couldn't tell.
[09:33] jakothewoods: Mallory?
[09:33] wdalphin: Followed Sharpe everywhere
[09:33] jakothewoods: stabbed him in the back.
[09:34] jakothewoods: That's Mallory, the Irish Sergeant.
[09:34] wdalphin: He was clearly a familiar of some sort.
[09:34] jakothewoods: See now, I couldn't understand a -word- he said.
[09:35] wdalphin: He was speaking in tongues.
[09:35] wdalphin: But the most important thing to notice about this Mallory homonculus, was that none of the other officers ever seemed to see him.
[09:36] jakothewoods: Ahhh. Well he obviously had some kind of mind control over the troopers in Sharpe's company. I mean come on, they're about to go home, right, and he tells them to get ready to go back to war. Exchange: Trooper: Screw you, Sarge, we're about to go home! Sarge: But Sharpe's a commoner like you! And he really really wants to rise above his station! Trooper: Oh all right then. Where's them frogs?
[09:37] wdalphin: Exactly!
[09:37] wdalphin: They were defiant, until reminded of the unholy powers that Sharpe was tapping in to.
[09:38] jakothewoods: I'm gonna have nightmares about Simmerson's sideburns for a month.
[09:38] wdalphin: "We're getting on a fookin' boat, an we're goin' ome!"
*eyes blaze with fire*
"Do you forget that Sharpe was once as yourself, until he contacted the denizens of Hell and made a pact for ultimate power? He could turn you to ash with a LOOK, mate! So per'aps you should reconsider..."
*shudder*
"okay. :(("
[09:39] wdalphin: The Major knew...
[09:39] jakothewoods: knew what?
[09:39] wdalphin: he tried to warn those two officers after Sharpe dragged one off his horse.
[09:39] wdalphin: He knew the power at Sharpe's fingers.
[09:39] jakothewoods: ah yes - well, Cox always plays the Cassandra, doesn't he?
[09:40] wdalphin: does he?
[09:40] wdalphin: That would have made Troy much more interesting.
[09:40] jakothewoods: well,except in that one
[09:40] wdalphin: *Cox in a squeaky voice* "I'm not Aggamemnon, I'm Cassandra!"
[09:40] jakothewoods: "This city is DOOOOOOOOOMED!"
[09:41] wdalphin: He could have snuck in without the horse.
[09:41] wdalphin: Actually, if Cox had played Aggamemnon playing Cassandra, do you think he'd have warned himself before going home?
[09:41] wdalphin: "Watch out for those bitch daughters of yours, dizamn!"
[09:42] jakothewoods: that's too convoluted for me to consider.
[09:42] wdalphin: Let's not get waylayed by Troy...
[09:42] jakothewoods: fair enough, we'll save that for a different time.
[09:42] wdalphin: I could go on and on about that movie.
[09:43] jakothewoods: we ought.
[09:43] jakothewoods: but not now
[09:43] wdalphin: Ought we?
[09:43] wdalphin: Now not but?
[09:43] wdalphin: Right.
[09:43] jakothewoods: speaking of which, what's our next movie going to be, my robotic amigo?
[09:43] wdalphin: Really, there's not much more to say about Sharpe's Eagle though, is there?
[09:43] wdalphin: Except that if you're wondering why it's called Sharpe's Eagle, you really don't find out until the last fifteen or so minutes.
[09:44] jakothewoods: Nope. I'd give it three stars IF your a Sean Bean supafan.
[09:44] wdalphin: I would have called it, "Sharpe blows up a bridge"
[09:44] wdalphin: or maybe "Sharpe gets to play Captain"
[09:44] wdalphin: "Sharpe's promotion"!
[09:45] wdalphin: "Brian Cox in a schoolboy sailor suit"
[09:45] jakothewoods: Pfft. I'd call it "Sharpe get manipulated by those smarter than he is who know how to make him dance by playing with his honor, and manages to come out from political manuevering unscathed through sheer dumb luck."
[09:45] wdalphin: He seemed to get scathed a lot, actually.
[09:45] wdalphin: "Sharpe takes a licking and keeps on ticking"
[09:46] wdalphin: That would go well with all the euphemisms.
[09:46] jakothewoods: naw, not scathed. Scratched maybe.
[09:47] wdalphin: Shot, stabbed, wounded repeatedly, kicked in the gut several times...
[09:47] wdalphin: Face punched multiple times.
[09:47] jakothewoods: Ah, that's all superficial. He still came out of it alive and a captain.
[09:48] wdalphin: Well, when you've got the power of Hell at your command, I daresay a little lead is haardly a big deal.
[09:48] jakothewoods: Okay, I'm running down - I blew my big guns on the bridge and Cox's hat.
[09:48] wdalphin: alright. For next week... heh heh heh
[09:48] wdalphin: The Happiness of the Katakuris
[09:48] jakothewoods: What?
[09:49] wdalphin: I could cut and paste it again, or you could go look it up.
[09:49] jakothewoods: is that the title?
[09:49] wdalphin: Yep.
[09:49] jakothewoods: Christ, this is gonna hurt...
[09:49] wdalphin: You'll love it
[09:49] wdalphin: It's a musical!
[09:50] jakothewoods: I just looked at the netflix listing. OH. MY. God.
[09:50] wdalphin: :D
[09:51] wdalphin: it's gonna be fun!
[09:51] jakothewoods: All righty then. I've got it added.
[09:51] jakothewoods: Where do you FIND this stuff?
[09:51] wdalphin: Aren't you glad I'm subjecting... er... introducing you to these new films you'd never otherwise see?

Conclusion:
Jak: **1/2 (unless you're a Sean Bean Supafan, in which case it's ***)
Wil: **, and I AM a Sean Bean supafan.